If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
