so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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