i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
our cab driver is having phone sex.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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