Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
