i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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