well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I will be naked everywhere
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
