Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
