He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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