not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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