At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
