she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You need Xanax blowdarts
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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