she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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