Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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