I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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