I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
