I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
