I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
