I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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