I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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