I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
