youre lurking in front of me
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
