She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
