Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
