Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my sisters under your porch take her home
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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