And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
