i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize