Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
