She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
