Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
