After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
