$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
