I accidentally had phone sex last night
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
