thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
