He kissed a someone with a penis
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
