Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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