my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
