Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize