I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
