It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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