I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
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