I'm gonna have a badass scar
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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