Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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