your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
