John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I think I sprained my soul last night
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
