saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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