shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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