he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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