So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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