hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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