theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
