i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
