I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
