I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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