so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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