too bad you live with your parents still
just tell him i said nine months
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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