Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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