then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
