I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
