We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
