I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
