i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
