yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
