Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
